Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
now i know why i became what i already was.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
