hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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