1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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