Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
