dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He did a backflip because drugs
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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