If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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