Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dignity is for republicans.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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