genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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