I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
