Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
