can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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