Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
