then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
