i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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