if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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