Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
