how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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