so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
