I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
