wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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