I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
