As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize