So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
