your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
two words...techno handjob
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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