im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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