This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
there is puke in my bra ... again
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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