omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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