did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
