I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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