This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
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