Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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