first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm like, not good at living.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
