Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
