When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
