dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
