The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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