the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
