Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
