I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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