even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
