Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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