Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
