the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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