dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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