Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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