I'm going to jail i love you
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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