so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
