Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
