seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
