About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
