apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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