I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
