forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
