At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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