Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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