I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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