girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
