using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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