Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize