Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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