I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
