It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
